Insights on business -- and life.
Holiday Eating Advice
How to stay happy, if not healthy, during the
by CLN Subscribers (December 18, 2006)
(Note: Apparently CLN subscribers thought we needed
help with our eating habits, so they emailed these suggestions.)
1. Drink as much eggnog as you can. And quickly. Like fine
single-malt scotch, it's rare. In fact, it's even rarer than
single-malt scotch. You can't find it any other time of year but
now. So drink up! Who cares that it has 10,000 calories in every
sip? It's not as if you're going to turn into an eggnog-aholic or
something. It's a treat. Enjoy it. Have one for me. Have two. It's
later than you think. It's the holidays!
2. Avoid carrot sticks. Anyone who puts carrots on a holiday
buffet table knows nothing of the holiday spirit. In fact, if you
see carrots, leave immediately. Go next door, where they're serving
3. If something comes with gravy, use it. That's the whole
point of gravy. Gravy does not stand alone. Pour it on. Make a
volcano out of your mashed potatoes. Fill it with gravy. Eat the
4. As for mashed potatoes, always ask if they're made with
skim milk or whole milk. If it's skim, pass. Why bother? It's like
buying a sports car with an automatic transmission.
5. Do not have a snack before going to a party in an effort
to control your eating. The whole point of going to a holiday party
is to eat other people's food for free. Lots of it. Hello?
6. Under no circumstances should you exercise between now and
New Year's. You can do that in January when you have nothing else to
do. This is the time for long naps, which you'll need after circling
the buffet table while carrying a 10-pound plate of food and that
vat of eggnog.
7. If you come across something really good at a buffet
table, like frosted cookies in the shape and size of Santa, position
yourself near them and don't budge. Have as many as you can before
becoming the center of attention. They're like a beautiful pair of
shoes. If you leave them behind, you're never going to see them
8. Same for pies. Apple, Pumpkin, Mincemeat, have a slice of
each. Or, if you don't like mincemeat, have two apples and one
pumpkin. Always have three. When else do you get to have more than
one dessert? Labor Day?
9. Did someone mention fruitcake? Granted, it's loaded with
the mandatory celebratory calories, but avoid it at all cost. I
mean, have some standards.
10. One final tip: If you don't feel terrible when you leave
the party or get up from the table, you haven't been paying
attention. Reread tips; start over, but hurry, January is just
around the corner.
Tequila Christmas Cake
1 cup water, 1 tsp. baking soda, 1 cup sugar, 1 tsp. salt, 1 cup
of brown sugar, Lemon juice, 4 large eggs, Nuts, 1 bottle tequila, 2
cups dried fruit
1. Sample the tequila to check quality.
2. Take a large bowl, check the tequila again to be sure it
is of the highest quality, pour one level cup, and drink.
4. Turn on the electric mixer.
5. Beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl.
6. Add one teaspoon of sugar. Beat again.
7. At this point its best to make sure the tequila is still
OK. Try another cup, just in case.
8. Turn off the mixerer thingy.
9. Break 2 leggs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of
10. Pick the frigging fruit up off the floor.
11. Mix on the turner.
12. If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaterers just pry
it loose with a drewscriver.
13. Sample the tequila to check for tonsisticity.
14. Next, sift two cups of salt. Or something.
15. Check the tequila.
16. Now shift the lemon juice and strain your nuts.
17. Add one table.
18. Add a spoon of sugar, or somefink. Whatever you can find.
19. Greash the oven.
20. Turn the cake tin 360 degrees and try not to fall over.
21. Don't forget to beat off the turner.
22. Finally, throw the bowl through the window.
23. Finish the tequila and wipe counter with the cat.