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Holiday Eating Advice

How to stay happy, if not healthy, during the holidays.

by CLN Subscribers (December 18, 2006)

(Note: Apparently CLN subscribers thought we needed help with our eating habits, so they emailed these suggestions.)

1. Drink as much eggnog as you can. And quickly. Like fine single-malt scotch, it's rare. In fact, it's even rarer than single-malt scotch. You can't find it any other time of year but now. So drink up! Who cares that it has 10,000 calories in every sip? It's not as if you're going to turn into an eggnog-aholic or something. It's a treat. Enjoy it. Have one for me. Have two. It's later than you think. It's the holidays!

2. Avoid carrot sticks. Anyone who puts carrots on a holiday buffet table knows nothing of the holiday spirit. In fact, if you see carrots, leave immediately. Go next door, where they're serving rum balls.

3. If something comes with gravy, use it. That's the whole point of gravy. Gravy does not stand alone. Pour it on. Make a volcano out of your mashed potatoes. Fill it with gravy. Eat the volcano. Repeat.

4. As for mashed potatoes, always ask if they're made with skim milk or whole milk. If it's skim, pass. Why bother? It's like buying a sports car with an automatic transmission.

5. Do not have a snack before going to a party in an effort to control your eating. The whole point of going to a holiday party is to eat other people's food for free. Lots of it. Hello?

6. Under no circumstances should you exercise between now and New Year's. You can do that in January when you have nothing else to do. This is the time for long naps, which you'll need after circling the buffet table while carrying a 10-pound plate of food and that vat of eggnog.

7. If you come across something really good at a buffet table, like frosted cookies in the shape and size of Santa, position yourself near them and don't budge. Have as many as you can before becoming the center of attention. They're like a beautiful pair of shoes. If you leave them behind, you're never going to see them again.

8. Same for pies. Apple, Pumpkin, Mincemeat, have a slice of each. Or, if you don't like mincemeat, have two apples and one pumpkin. Always have three. When else do you get to have more than one dessert? Labor Day?

9. Did someone mention fruitcake? Granted, it's loaded with the mandatory celebratory calories, but avoid it at all cost. I mean, have some standards.

10. One final tip: If you don't feel terrible when you leave the party or get up from the table, you haven't been paying attention. Reread tips; start over, but hurry, January is just around the corner.

Tequila Christmas Cake

1 cup water, 1 tsp. baking soda, 1 cup sugar, 1 tsp. salt, 1 cup of brown sugar, Lemon juice, 4 large eggs, Nuts, 1 bottle tequila, 2 cups dried fruit

1. Sample the tequila to check quality.

2. Take a large bowl, check the tequila again to be sure it is of the highest quality, pour one level cup, and drink.

3. Repeat.

4. Turn on the electric mixer.

5. Beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl.

6. Add one teaspoon of sugar. Beat again.

7. At this point its best to make sure the tequila is still OK. Try another cup, just in case.

8. Turn off the mixerer thingy.

9. Break 2 leggs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit.

10. Pick the frigging fruit up off the floor.

11. Mix on the turner.

12. If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaterers just pry it loose with a drewscriver.

13. Sample the tequila to check for tonsisticity.

14. Next, sift two cups of salt. Or something.

15. Check the tequila.

16. Now shift the lemon juice and strain your nuts.

17. Add one table.

18. Add a spoon of sugar, or somefink. Whatever you can find.

19. Greash the oven.

20. Turn the cake tin 360 degrees and try not to fall over.

21. Don't forget to beat off the turner.

22. Finally, throw the bowl through the window.

23. Finish the tequila and wipe counter with the cat.

CHERRY MISTMAS

xxx